” one of the best times for figuring out who you are and what you really want out of life? – right after a break-up. “
mandy hale
Dear Linh of 2018,
I know you are sitting on our friend’s couch, eyes were all red, face was all puffy after hours of crying. It was painful having to walk away from someone whom we were so deeply in love with, wasn’t it? But you know what, I’m thankful that it happened. If you wanna know why, keep on reading this letter until the end.
It is so weird how our mind adapts to things so quickly, isn’t it? After he suggested the break-up, all of sudden, the idea of reaching out and touch him seemed so awkward even though just before that moment, touching, hugging or kissing him were something you considered natural like breathing in and out, right? Wasn’t it almost as if… it was wrong to do that without asking his permission? But you knew why, didn’t you? You realized he was no longer yours.
I know that memories of him is running like a river in your head, and it is also filled with questions like:
“How did we end up here?…
Was there any sign that I should have seen earlier?
What did I do wrong? “…
Honey, you did absolutely nothing wrong. I know that you are blaming yourself for not seeing this coming and for letting this happen. Yes, there were signs that we both ignored, there were moments of red flag throughout our relationship that we chose not to see, but those belong to the past now. What you must do is to face the sad reality that it’s over.
He had made up his mind. You saw it in his eyes, didn’t you? The determination. It was as sure as night is dark and day is light that there was nothing we could do.
So what are we gonna do with that… uncomfortable knot in your gut, that… horrible pain in your heart?
Embrace it!
Don’t try to bury or dismiss it because it makes you feel uncomfortable. Instead, experience it whole-heartedly. Go ahead and cry until you’re dried out. What is so beautiful about being a human being is that we get to experience these feelings. Without these painful, unbearable feelings, we will never fully understand the feelings of happiness. So don’t hold back, don’t try to suppress, be completely vulnerable and let everything go! When you feel like your whole body and soul have been released from all the pent-up emotions, come back to this letter, I’ll show you how to move on.
.
.
Feeling better yet? I’m sure you are but there’re still a few more steps to do in this get-over-a-break-up journey of yours.
First thing first, you need to clean that dreadful aura around you, girl. People can probably smell that you were dumped from miles away. Take a shower and get doll-up! Research shows that dressing up can actually help boost our confidence, which is exactly what you need this instant. Scientists also find that the way we feel about ourselves is heavily influenced by our appearance. You might think it’s shallow or materialistic, but there’s a huge difference between dress up for yourself and for somebody else. So put on your best clothes, also make-up if you will, and tell me if you don’t feel a tiny bit better than before.
Next, get out of the apartment, go to a park or forest, any place where you can be with the nature. Multiple research suggest that spending time in nature can help increase energy level, improve concentration, reduce stress and depression, just to name a few. Actually, you don’t even need to be in nature, just engaging in any activities outdoor like meet up with a friend, ride a bike, or take a walk can boost your energy significantly. You know what, just get your ass out of the freaking apartment!
What I also need you to do as part of your get-over-a-break-up journey is to go on Youtube and search for Marisa Peer’s talks on self-love. “Who is she and why would I want to listen to her?”, you’re wondering. She’s a very well-known therapist from England, who will bring light to most of the problems you’re currently facing including the break-up. In her most popular video, she talked about the universal reason that led to most of our problems, which is that we didn’t think ‘we are enough‘. She said we most likely to pick up this way of thinking since our early ages when we first started to compare ourselves to others or be compared to others by our loved ones.
Linh, be honest with yourself and answer this:
"Do you think you're enough?"
You don’t, do you?
If you really thought you were enough, you wouldn’t have planned your whole future surround him and ended up feeling lost and purposeless after the break-up. If you truly believed you were enough, you wouldn’t have blamed yourself for the break-up. I’m not sure exactly when we developed this way of thinking but somehow along the way in our life, we accepted that we don’t deserve better than whatever we already have. Which explains why we were so terrified of losing him and decided to turn a blind eye to all the things we didn’t like about our relationship with him. We really thought he was it, that he was our best shot. Without a doubt, he is a great and decent man. But as good as he is, maybe he isn’t our best shot after all and that there is someone out there who is a better match than him for us.
You see, it all boils down to that moment you decide you are enough, that moment you begin to truly love yourself. Suddenly, you find that the breakup no longer has power over you anymore because you know someone who is a better suit for you, someone who shares values with you, and someone who loves you for who you are is out there coming your way.
Even now, I’m grateful for our ex to end our relationship before we waste any more time. We definitely had a good run with him. Our relationship sure was comforting but I guess deep down, we both felt like we could be happier. If it was up to us (the old us), we would never have the gut to initiate a break-up because of the fear that we might not be able to find someone better, but thanks the Universe that he loves himself enough to get out of his comfort zone in order to seek someone who completes him and makes his life more whole.
” love yourself first and everything else falls into line.
you really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world. “
lucille ball
Sweetie, if you have been following all of my suggestions so far, you probably feel much better already but unfortunately, the pain from the break-up will continue to linger for a while. At the end of the day, it’s not the goodbye that hurts, it’s the flashbacks of the memories we had with him that agonize us. But it wasn’t a lie when people say time heals because it does, slowly but surely.
What also helps accelerate the healing process is to keep showering yourself with love. Spend time getting to know yourself, learning your values, knowing what gives you joy and what causes you suffering, so that when the right person comes along, you’re 100% ready. Finally, until you learned to find comfort and happiness in solitude, do not jump into new relationship!
Linh, I hope this letter brings you light and hope in these dark days of your life. Finding home in yourself and never stop practicing self-love!
